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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 26, 2014 9:43am-10:14am PST

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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. it's good to have you with us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much for being here. good to have you with us in here, out there, all around. i have to tell you after a greeting like that i would not kick you out of bed for eating crackers, folks. let's get right to the big story, last night's midterm elections. huge night for the republicans across the country. they won everything it's senate majority, the bigger house majority, tight governors' races and a giraffe from one of those claw machines. ( laughter ) i mean, they were on fire.
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i don't know why democrats didn't turn out to vote yesterday. what with all the inspiring fund-raising e-mails the democratic congressional campaign committee sent out, like "all hope is lost." ( laughter ) ( applause ) and sure, as a conservative it is tempting to gloat, but i'm going to be humble about this for two reasons. one, because i am amazing at being humble, okay. ( laughter ) fantastic. and, two, i want to be sensitive to all my liberal viewers. i have been told some liberals do watch the show. i don't know why. it's a free country. as happy as i am that america is now headed in the right direction, i'm not going to spike the metaphorical football or even the literal football i had made with obama's face on it right there, okay. ( laughter ) ( applause ) wouldn't be right. i'm also not going to have a balloon drop because that would
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be tacky. jim, let's cancel the balloon drop. let's just clear the balloons out of that net and get all victory music out of speakers. come on, get rit rid of it, get it out of there. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) whooo! whooo! all right, all right. i'm not going to do tokay? there's a time for all that later, maybe after the next commercial break. , of course, there are a hand full of democrats who did keep their jobs last night. for instance, the subject of the 81st installment of my 434-part series, "better know a district." tonight california's 13th, the fightin' 13th! ( cheers and applause ) california's 13th covers a
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long stretch of california's east bay, making it home to both the oakland athletics, and the berkeley non-athletics. ( laughter ) famed cartoonist rube goldberg graduated from u.c. berkeley with an engineering degree in 1904, though he didn't get it howng his wall until 1932. the district is also home to company headquarters for clif bar and northface clothing, essential products for both california's rugged outdoorsmen and drugged indoorsmen. rocker jim morrison attended high school in the 13th town of alameda. though, like many teenagers, his high school band mainly just played doors covers. and who has the sligin' berken stocks to represent this district? it's none other than congressman barbara lee. i sat down with representative lee in her washington office. congresswoman, thank you so much for talking to me today. >> happy to be with you. >> stephen: congresswoman
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barbara lee. may i call you babes. >> jeanie or bebe, okay, or barbara. >> babes, tell me about the lucky 13th. >> it's the most beautiful district in the country. >> the most-- >> very creative, very progressive people. >> stephen: your district includes whamo toys, makers of hiewly hoops and silly string. it also includes oakland which is one of the most diverse cities in the america with 125 languages spoken. >> isn't that great. >> stephen: that's incredible. you can translate this local expression left-hand some yay starts perkin, get hella and post ride my whip. >> what language is that? >> stephen: i don't know. i've been told i said that right. >> great, i didn't know you were a linguist. >> i'm a cunning linguist. >> it figures. >> stephen: gertrude stein said of oakland,"there is no there, there."
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congresswoman, is there, there, there? >> there's a lot there. >> stephen: it says oakland is the third largest concentration of lesbians in the country. are you sure that's an accurate count? sometimes they get all tangled up and it's hard to tell, how many to tell how many lesbians there are in that pile. >> oakland is a very open and beautiful sea. >> stephen: being just a few miles from san francisco, which is a homosexual mecca, is there a lot of lesbian spillover? >> people come to oakland. everyone comes to oakland because they love living in oakland. >> stephen: oakland coliseum is where the wave was invented. >> i told you oakland was really cool. >> really although, cool people. do you want to get a wave started here? >> okay. ( cheers and applause ).
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( laughter ) ( cheers ) >> stephen: wow. that was exciting. >> fun. >> stephen: here's a fun fact-- you are a traitor because you infamously were th the lone descenting voice for the authorization of the use of military force, the umaf, after the terror attack attacks in 20. how could you stand up there and say i love al qaeda? how could you say that ginever said that. it was a blank check. >> stephen: yes. >> to wage perpetual war that the congress gave to any president until we repeal it, and i want to repeal it. >> stephen: what do you love most about terrorism? the pat-downs at the airports.
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i don't even wear underwear anymore. >> we should have a debate in congress so the american people understand the costs and consequences of going to war forever if that's what we're going to do. >> stephen: i'll be everyone else in congress ( cheers and applause ) i think we have bomb people who want to kill us. a rebuttal. >> is it going to make us safer or less safe? >> stephen: it's going to make them dead jeer nirks five years do we have isis 2. >> stephen: what is your alternative for stopping isis, writing some passive aggressive note. "hey, you guys, a lot of people are saying it's a bad thing you're door, not me, i think you're cool, but a lot of people think it would be better for your reputation fuhget about it stop. p.s., are you going to the party together, let's go together? >> no way. >> stephen: it says here you were on the adoption caucus. were you tempted to find out your biological caucus? >> i don't think we have a biological caucus. >> stephen: really? >> i don't think so.
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i'll check. >> stephen: you are on the urban caucus. aren't you a lifetime member of the urban caucus? >> lifetime member of the urban-- what do you mean? >> stephen: aren't you grandfathered into the urban caucus? >> grandfathered in? we run every two years. in the elections. >> stephen: right, okay. >> you can only take it two years at a time. >> stephen: you know what i mean when i say "urban." >> i don't know what you mean. >> >> stephen: urban. >> like where i live where we have sidewalks. >> stephen: you know, urban people. >> i live in a beautiful city. >> stephen: i don't see race, but i do see urban. are you urban? >> i live in an urban community. i don't live in an urban community, although i love rural communities. i live in an urban community. >> stephen: you were involved in the black panthers in college. was that another free love groove. >> i wasn't a member of the panth glergz they wouldn't let you in. >> i didn't even apply. i worked on community programs. >> stephen: you never officially joined the black
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panthers. >> never. >> does that mean you can only raise your fist this pie high? >> that's a question i can't even answer because it's so stupid. >> stephen: you sponsored a bill to support programs for comprehensive sex education. how exrens riff we talkin talkit here because there is some crazy stuff on the internet i wouldn't want kids to find out about. >> public schools should be able to teach kids how to prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted disease. >> stephen: but when we were kids-- ( applause ) it was so much simpler. there was this way, that way, that thing, lady on top, and upper done. now, it's so complicated. we don't want to burden these kids with comprehensive education about it. let's just say, you know, it's something not very nice that you do when you're married, and also don't do it. and just be be done right there. >> kids need to know about health care. >> stephen: why not comprehensive abstinence education? >> some people think that's the only way. >> stephen: from this person. >> young people should know all the options so that they can be
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educated. >> stephen: i'm practicing absense right now as we speak. >> more power to you. >> stephen: that could change if you play your cards right. ( applause ) >> you are really crazy. >> stephen: am i the only one? can't be the only one feeling this right now. >> geez. >> stephen: the tension in here is so thick. i mean it is-- it hangs like a thick musk in the air right now. >> you are out of your head. >> stephen: really. >> yeah. >> stephen: are you sure? >> yeah. >> stephen: are you sure. >> i'm positive. >> stephen: turn the cameras off. are you sure? >> yeah. >> stephen: let me ask you one more question. congresswoman, would you like to celebrate your district with me? >> sure. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: congresswoman, thank you for talking to me today. ( laughter )
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>> stephen: let's put california's 13th up on the big board! oh, it looks like someone took jim morrison up on his offer to light his fire. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back. oh, hi!
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folks, you caught me, you caught me snacking. on this roasty donkey leg. that i'm definitely not serving to my guest democratic senator kirsten gillibrand, because that would be insensitive. but i have to tell you folks, she is-- mmm-- she is missing out because it is so tender. it must have been that boot stomping it got last night. and i am sure that senator gillibrand is already full of humble pie after the electoral devastation. >> angry voters gave the g.o.p. a landslide victory. >> it was such a tsunami last night. >> the republican midterm tidal wave washing over congress. >> a political earthquake. >> stephen: yeah, it was a land slide, a tsunami, a tidal wave, earthquake-- all the things god sends when he's happy with what's going on. ( cheers and applause ). and it was a great night. it was a great night for the fresh new face of the g.o.p., mitch mdconnell.
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a face so fresh tissue hasn't even grown lips yet. ( laughter ) meanwhile, last night, barack obama had to watch his legacy go up in smoke, but thanks to a washington ballot initiative, that is now legal. ( cheers and applause ). >> washington, d.c. voted to legalize pot use and possession in small amounts. >> washington, d.c., the nation's capital, legalizing marijuana. , possessing up to two ounces of marijuana for personal use is now legal. >> stephen: that's right, d.c. now stands for dank chronic. ( cheers and applause ). and thanks to this new law, we are never going to get lincoln off that damn couch. ( applause ) and if anyone needs to take the edge off after last night, it is this guy. so i say, go for tsir. appoint yourself commander in fleece. you're looking at two years of the republican house and senate. what's the worst that could happen? you get high and nothing gets
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done. ( cheers and applause ) you get high, and maybe get paranoid that congress is out to get you? you know, the white house has a movie theater and a bowling alley. i say it's time to tear up michelle's organic kale patch and plant some skunk force one. and fuhget about it ever-- sir, if you ever get the munchies, the secret service has proven that the domino's guy can just jump over the fence. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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tonight. my guest tonight is a democratic senator, i plan to record her language before it disappears forever. please welcome kirsten gillibrand! ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much for being here. nice to see you again. madam, are you a democratic senator from the great state of new york, and you've got a new book, and it is called "off the sidelines-- raise your voice, change the world." thank you for being here. i know you got a book to push. ( laughter ) but it must have been hard to get out of bed this morning. knowing that the democrats have been relegated to the dust bin of history. after last night's elections, the last election, i understand, there ever will be. ( laughter ) how does it feel? it was hard to get up this morning? >> you know, i was a little disappointed, of course. but, you know, it remains to be seen to see if mitch mdconnell
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says-- it going to do what he says he's going to do which is actually try bring people together and get things done. >> stephen: are you democrats are finally going to get out of the way, stop being such obstructionist of the republicans' aegd? agenda? are you going to help them achieve toes plans for a better future? >> we're going to try to find common ground, and that's something i have done in the past, and doing something like making sure students can refinance their federal loans ( cheers and applause ) you know, working on ending sexual assault on college campuses-- ( cheers and applause ) that's the kind of common ground i hope we can get done, and i think what the election was really about is people are angry. they're frustrated. they look at washington and they know it's broken, and they want us to listen to them and do their job. and i'm as frustrated as they are. >> stephen: are you going to help the republicans arb chief their number one goal-- build a time machine and make barack obama never having existed? ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> well, i hope that they are sincere and actually want to do
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the business of the american people, focus on the economy, focusing on getting things done. >> stephen: you actually are on an interesting committee. you're on the environment and public works committee. and now you're going to have a new chairman, james inhofe. you and he differ slightly on global warming. >> yes. >> stephen: he's got some interesting ideas. he believes it is not happening. ( laughter ) and that it is a hoax. okay? where is the middle ground for the two of you? are you going to come over to his side? are you going to compromise on that one and just say it's not happening and i'm sure he'll agree with you. >> any new yorker knows how crushing superstorm sandy was, so you have these violent superstorms coming not once every 100 years but once every two years. we have to be able to come together to work on things exo 2 actually address it. >> stephen: but he's from oklahoma and that don't have hurricanes. >> but they have tornadoes and there are wildfires in the west.
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>> stephen: and they're prepared to allow oklahoma to become ethiopia, and that is the opposite of our problem, which will be too much water. okay. maybe you could meet together somewhere in appalacha where the waters won't rise? >> i will try to work together to find common ground to address these real challenges our communities are facing. >> stephen: do you think that washington will get any more... friendly now that y'all can smoke pot with each other? ( laughter ) legally. do you smoke pot? >> no. but i think it's interesting that a lot of states are taking it up as a referendum. i think it's something that is very ripe for review. and i think for our state, it's really important that any person who is prescribed medical marijuana gets access to it. it's really important. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: but legally, legally, when you're down doing your job, you know, and after hours, legally, you guys could all get together and smoke pot. >> we could. >> stephen: you could.
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>> we could. >> stephen: maybe that would help, maybe and you mitch mdconnell get together-- i'm not saying, i don't smoke pot, but maybe you guys could smoke and be like, "what are we talking about? you're cool, i love you." you know. he can catch his reflection in something and i go, "i do look like a turtle. that's hilarious. i don't think about it." it could turn the capitol into one big bong, it would be fantastic. what do you hope-- if you could bring legislation to the republicans, what would you-- what would you say, "guys, let's do this together?" what would you bring to the floor first? >> i would focus on economic agenda and especially paid family leave. we are the only country that doesn't create paid leave, whether a sick family member, aging and dying parent. >> stephen: but we are allowed to leave. people are allowed to leave their jobs. they can leave. you just can't come back. >> most people can't afford to leave. the woman who is it going to
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clean the studio tonight can't afford to take days uppaid. we have to make sure all workers, particularly women, who are often dealing with a lot of family emergencies can get the support they need to be in the workplace and achieve their full potential. and i would focus on something as simple as equal pay for equal work. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: i recently eye didn't know this, i recently found out i was a feminist so i have to agree with you. when you say "off the sidelines" are you talking about the democrats or are you talking about women or anybody? who is on the sidelines who you have to get off them? >> it's about women. >> stephen: i can interested? >> you can read it. if you do you will learn a lot about-- you will learn a lot about your life. >wife. >> stephen: one thing i understand about my wife, she doesn't like it when i hold hands with women. ( cheers and applause ). senator kirsten gillibrand. thank you so much. thank you. the book is "off the sidelines." read it, male, female, go get
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okay. [ male announcer ] introducing xfinity my account. available on any device. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night. ( cheers and applause ). captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org - well, see you after the break.
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- what are you all doing for thanksgiving? i'm having andre's whole family over, though he'll be stuck working at the stereo store for black friday. - oh, sure, you get to say that, but we're stuck calling it "jew friday." - ugh, i'll be with my family, fielding the same old questions. "how's community college?" "what's your major?" "are those real?" my aunt's boyfriend. - "oh, my family's a normal religion, "so i have to talk to them for five minutes before i get a casserole that's all marshmallow." that's you. - brainstorm. why don't you all come over to my house? i'll have plenty of food. - that would be great. - marshmallows. - sounds good to me. - i was going to microwave buttered noodles, but this sounds equally promising. i'm in. - oh, goody. well, you know, you're all welcome, of course. - i'm in. - or, you know, jeff or whoever. - can't. plans. - well, if you change your mind, i can't think of anyone who would enjoy having you more.

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